Giving Up, Giving In

I dedicate this post to Amanda, the best reader ever, and someone who understands what I’m talking about more than most. 

I have wanted to write something here that would make sense to other people, a post that was articulate, logical, fascinating, and enlightening. I tried to come up with topics, themes, any way to organize the chaos and confusion of a ‘spiritual crisis’, or whatever you might wish to call it (spiritual awakening, spiritual emergence, ‘kundalini rising’, etc.). Nothing I tried to write seemed worth posting. I’m not sure that this will be worth posting. I can only write in fragments and hope that you all can fill in the blanks.

As best as I can describe it, a spiritual crisis–for me, at least–is when your theory on the nature of God or the divine, the nature of consciousness, the existence or lack thereof of time, becomes an experience of revelation that leaves you in total shock. You find yourself in a constant state of emotional flux. One day, you’re in a state of bliss because you know that life never ends; it just changes form. You’ve seen the luminous energy of the creative universe shining through everything and everyone. The next day, something happens and you’re on your knees in pain and suffering, because you have to start the process of clearing out your worst traumas, including the ones that happened to you before you were born.

This process demands something in return for the stunning revelation of the Divine. The contract goes something like this: I (God) will allow you to see how (some) things really work and let you know (directly, no research required) that you are always going to exist. In return, you must surrender your little, scared self completely: your ego, your traumas, everything that holds you back from joy and communion with spirit. But the universe demands you surrender ALL of it. As it turns out, that is the hardest task I have ever been assigned.

Imagine burning through every trauma you have ever lived through: the near death experiences in the hospital; the agonizing divorce; the abuse; ah, the list could go on and on, since it includes more than just the content of this life. By ‘burning through’ it, I mean you must relive it, hit rock bottom, curl up in the fetal position, and give it all to God. If you don’t completely feel the emotions associated with the trauma you must exorcize, then you will have to go through it again and again, until you have really, truly, allowed your feelings their full expression and you’ve surrendered yourself utterly to a Higher Power. The spirit driving this expansion of your consciousness will not allow you to take short cuts in your healing.

I am not finished with this, not by a long shot. I have amazing days so filled with joy, I think I might just float straight into the Cosmos. There are other days that I feel crazy with grief and sadness, barely able to function, praying and crying, begging for help. Help always comes. The purpose of this is not always clear to me, but as far as I can tell, I am enduring a rebirth into another life. This new life requires me to relinquish the dramas, stories, and traumas of the old life. Completely. It’s clear that God wants me to give up completely and understand what faith really means.

I don’t go to church anymore. I meditate, but not as often as I should. I write in my journal every day. This intense relationship with the Divine is an ongoing experience; attending church seems strangely unnecessary. I suppose I will find another spiritual practice somewhere, but not in order to find God. My search now is simply for a supportive community who has some idea what I’m going through. I am not special because this is happening to me. Many people go through this spiritual trial, but not many write about it as far as I can tell. Fewer still form communities to assist others with the process. I don’t know how long this lasts, or if it ever truly ends. There are some days when I feel ‘normal’, and then it starts up again. In any case, I understand this–no matter how difficult or heart wrenching–as a gift from the Universe.

I had always prayed for knowledge. Since I was a child, I wanted to know the secrets of God. I had arrived at a point in my life where I was sure that God was going to keep silent on the issue, and my depression was profound. On June 25th, 2017, God decided it was time to reveal to me what it means to be a human being with an eternal soul and spirit. It would be lovely to report that after that, everything was roses and life was a grand adventure. I wish I could say that; but as I’ve stated before on Soulbank, what most people want, myself included, are simple answers to complex questions. Choosing Heaven or nothingness as reality is easy. Either way, you don’t have much to think about, and you aren’t required to undergo a complete transformation of your very being.

The truth is stunningly complex. It will bring you to your knees.

–Kirsten

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